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Old 03-25-2016, 12:06 AM   #1
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The "talk about your relationship problems" thread

If there's a marriage and kids thread, I figure why not create a thread for the rest of us that suffer from commitment problems and/or fiercely-protective independence issues?

I'll start.

I broke up with my girlfriend today. She's a very sweet, very attractive girl, but after nine months of being on the road a lot for work and always feeling obligated to come home on weekends (instead of flying anywhere I want because work will pay for it), I decided I couldn't do the relationship thing anymore.

I feel really bad about it. As I mentioned, she's is a great, thoughtful girl...but she felt like the right person at the wrong time for me. It was time to make the right call.

If anyone else wants to throw themselves a pity party regarding their relationship (or lack thereof), feel free to do it here!
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Old 03-25-2016, 06:49 AM   #2
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Better to do this than string someone along.
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Old 03-25-2016, 06:58 AM   #3
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Yeah, I don't see that as a relationship "problem". Seems like you did the right thing for both of you. But I understand it was tough.
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Old 03-25-2016, 08:15 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Josh.0 View Post
If there's a marriage and kids thread, I figure why not create a thread for the rest of us that suffer from commitment problems and/or fiercely-protective independence issues?

I'll start.

I broke up with my girlfriend today. She's a very sweet, very attractive girl, but after nine months of being on the road a lot for work and always feeling obligated to come home on weekends (instead of flying anywhere I want because work will pay for it), I decided I couldn't do the relationship thing anymore.

I feel really bad about it. As I mentioned, she's is a great, thoughtful girl...but she felt like the right person at the wrong time for me. It was time to make the right call.

If anyone else wants to throw themselves a pity party regarding their relationship (or lack thereof), feel free to do it here!
I agree with others here, you did the adult thing here...letting someone go when you felt it wasn't "right" rather than string them along, getting their hopes up along the way.

I gotta ask, were you able to sprinkle in the "it's not you, it's me" line? Sorry, that was a bit dickish/insensitive, but it kinda made me laugh when I thought about it.

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Old 03-25-2016, 08:47 AM   #5
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Better to do this than string someone along.
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Yeah, I don't see that as a relationship "problem". Seems like you did the right thing for both of you. But I understand it was tough.
Exactly, was going to post the same thing. It may have been a 'problem' that it didn't work out (like you said, wrong place/wrong time,) but it's definitely the right thing to do and the right move for you at this point.
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Old 03-25-2016, 09:54 AM   #6
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I gotta ask, were you able to sprinkle in the "it's not you, it's me" line?
he better have... this was a perfect instance for that line
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Old 03-25-2016, 02:30 PM   #7
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Gracias, TDC.

She is younger than I am - I'm 31, she's 23 - and physically she's all I could ask for, but she needed much more attention than I had the bandwidth to give her. I think she was also starting to get into "dangerously clingy" territory - like she was OK with me having no other friends other than just her. And with her always wanting just the two of us to be spending time together (she's a bit of a social recluse), it's made it difficult to meet new people since I moved to Denver.

In fairness, if you asked her, she wouldn't think that she was being too clingy, but her actions - such as "I don't feel like you're giving me enough attention" type of comments after spending weekends on end with her - suggested she was becoming too dependent on me and not enough dependent on herself.

Nice girl, super sweet, very attractive - but I'm one of those people that needs his own time and space sometimes. As sad as I feel for both of us right now, I feel equally liberated and free.

Anyone else willing to spill the beans on their personal issues?
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Old 03-25-2016, 02:57 PM   #8
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Gracias, TDC.

She is younger than I am - I'm 31, she's 23 - and physically she's all I could ask for, but she needed much more attention than I had the bandwidth to give her. I think she was also starting to get into "dangerously clingy" territory - like she was OK with me having no other friends other than just her. And with her always wanting just the two of us to be spending time together (she's a bit of a social recluse), it's made it difficult to meet new people since I moved to Denver.

In fairness, if you asked her, she wouldn't think that she was being too clingy, but her actions - such as "I don't feel like you're giving me enough attention" type of comments after spending weekends on end with her - suggested she was becoming too dependent on me and not enough dependent on herself.

Nice girl, super sweet, very attractive - but I'm one of those people that needs his own time and space sometimes. As sad as I feel for both of us right now, I feel equally liberated and free.

Anyone else willing to spill the beans on their personal issues?
After reading this, I'm 1000% certain you made the right move, bro. I hate to play the old guy card, but damn 23 years old is far too young (even when you're only 31) for her to even "get" the world IMO. That being said, I'm sure she was a blast in bed.
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Old 03-25-2016, 03:46 PM   #9
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A buddy of mine at work just turned 41, is divorced, and has been seeing a 24-year old friend of mine for over a year. They are adorable and seem to be on similar emotional wavelengths. I am continually baffled that it works so well and have nothing but high-fives for his pull.

That said Im not sure I could pull that off. But before now, I would've argued that age does matter. And perhaps it will matter for them someday, but fuck if it hasnt been super fun to hang out with them together
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Old 03-25-2016, 04:52 PM   #10
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After reading this, I'm 1000% certain you made the right move, bro. I hate to play the old guy card, but damn 23 years old is far too young (even when you're only 31) for her to even "get" the world IMO. That being said, I'm sure she was a blast in bed.
She was a lot of fun in bed.

But a wise man once said it doesn't matter If you're banging Jennifer Anniston; you're bored after six months.

I'm sure with that I lose any and all pity I had previously garnered
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Old 03-25-2016, 07:32 PM   #11
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Social recluse is a huge red flag, good decision
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Old 03-30-2016, 10:19 AM   #12
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Social recluse is a huge red flag, good decision
Totally.
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Old 04-05-2016, 10:22 PM   #13
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I'll reach.

What is the "normal" amount of doing the deed per week/month? Been together 17 years, married for going on 13, 2 kids, careers, I run/coach/take kids to activities, etc...

We're 1x a week people, unless on vaca. Is that average? I have friends my age (late 30's) who never really settled down and live the frequently dating life. Curious to see responses from those people in my boat.
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Old 04-05-2016, 11:58 PM   #14
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I think they say twice per week is average. I really don't get too concerned if it is five times or zero. Most importantly if you feel like you are in a rut some way talk about it. Otherwise I think it can fluctuate based on all those other obligations you mentioned.
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Old 04-06-2016, 12:06 AM   #15
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I think they say twice per week is average. I really don't get too concerned if it is five times or zero. Most importantly if you feel like you are in a rut some way talk about it. Otherwise I think it can fluctuate based on all those other obligations you mentioned.
No rut and not concerned (should have specified that). It's been like that for years and haven't considered going outside the relationship. Very happy and grateful for what we have. She's been there for some difficult times (getting clean -going on 14 years).

Just wanted to see what the masses say.
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Old 04-06-2016, 06:56 AM   #16
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We're 46 yrs old, been married almost 22 years, we average about twice a week. And in some ways, now is better than ever.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:13 AM   #17
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We're 46 yrs old, been married almost 22 years, we average about twice a week. And in some ways, now is better than ever.
40's is the sexual prime for a woman, no?

We're 36, been married 9 years this year. We are 1-2x per week at this point. two young kids and my wife works long days so she is half asleep when she sits down after dinner. That said, that is probably more on me, I can probably count on one hand the number of times she's turned me down flat over the years (legitimate times, not like when we're rushing out the door or, like, in the bathroom during dinmer at my parent's house or something). 9 - 9:30 is just too early for me. If we went to bed together that number would be higher.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:24 AM   #18
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I'll reach. What is the "normal" amount of doing the deed per week/month? Been together 17 years, married for going on 13, 2 kids, careers, I run/coach/take kids to activities, etc... We're 1x a week people, unless on vaca. Is that average? I have friends my age (late 30's) who never really settled down and live the frequently dating life. Curious to see responses from those people in my boat.
So funny you should bring this up, this year I started keeping a count. Some months have averaged 2.5/week so far with a low of 6/month.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:59 AM   #19
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So funny you should bring this up, this year I started keeping a count. Some months have averaged 2.5/week so far with a low of 6/month.
This type of tact has always frightened me a little bit. I feel like you (not actually you) may be walking a fine line between having more sex or subconsciously turning it into a chore for one of you.

My best friend growing up has two young kids now and is a writer. He lives a crazy life. He stays home with both kids and writes during their naps and after they go to bed. They also travel constantly for his wife's job. So, he is doing this out of a hotel room like 90% of the year. It's nuts and I don't know how he does it. With their sex life lagging, a few months ago his wife suggested they try to have sex everyday for a month. He said fuck no. That is exactly what I would have said.

Sometimes you just want to go to bed, and you don't want to think, "oh christ, I've got to have sex with her before I go to bed." That's not pleasure, that becomes an obstacle. Now, granted, if you're going months on end with no interest, or endless excuses, or whatever, that's an issue. Like with so many things in life, it's only a problem when it's a problem. If everything else is great, it's probably just life kicking your ass for a bit. As long as both partners still want to have sex with each other, then five times a week, or once a week, it's not a problem imho.
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:05 AM   #20
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Yeah I thought about that and it is one of the primary reasons I plan not to tell her I'm watching the numbers. No pressure, just pure curiosity.
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