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Old 01-15-2015, 05:32 PM   #1
MaLaKaS
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The Official Depression/I Need Help Thread

This thread will be reserved for anyone who is going through a hard time/depressed/anxious or just plain upset about something going on in their life.

I'm not sure if this is a cry for help or if I just can't deal with things anymore, but I can't keep the fake faces going any longer. I know I speak to you guys almost everyday and that we do not interact with each other in our personal lives (well, except for a few people here), so I figured it couldn't hurt to open up.

Going through everything in detail is going to take a lot (it's a long story and I'm not yet feeling courageous enough), but I just wanted to take the first step and begin the dialogue with admitting that I have a few major problems. I'm at my lowest point in life. I do a wonderful job of faking it both in real life and on here, but I'm just losing that strength as each day goes by.

I'll open up slowly, but it really comes down to OCD (germaphobia), anxiety, depression, anger, ADD, and severe confidence issues. To counteract all this, I have been self-medicating and seeing doctors (therapist, psychiatrist, and primary care physician).

I'll leave it open now for anyone else, if they want to explain any issues that they are going through. Maybe we can help each other out.

Thanks everyone.
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:37 PM   #2
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I'm really sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. It's good that you're getting help, and you should definitely keep that up.

This past year has been the worst of my life, too, and while it's slowly getting better, my family is far from in a great place yet. We've had everything from money problems, to my new daughter's health issues and hospitalization, to the death of my last grandparent and the family dog. I haven't gotten super depressed about most of it, but stress is definitely taking its toll on me. A lot of the problems seem to be coming slowly to an end, but we still have a long way to go.

Hang in there, and keep talking to people. It's the only thing that'll really help.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:38 PM   #3
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All I can advise is to get to the point where you can take things in the context they really exist in.

To face reality and tell yourself there are things you can't stand anymore, regardless of who or what causes them, really does take courage. And humility.

Opening up to yourself is the first step. Others hopefully will follow.

Remember there is no permanent solution to life's struggles, especially those assailing you from within. But there are coping mechanisms. Or put better, anodynes. It's up to you to discover the most useful ones, and then to nurture yourself with them.

But also don't forget you're not alone. You'll be doing the same for others through sheer example. It's surprising.

Lastly, don't ignore what makes you feel peaceful and content.

Much of this may sound trite. But it's absolutely necessary to live - and not just exist. Our attitudes give us the only freedom we can pass along.
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Old 01-15-2015, 11:04 PM   #4
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The Official Depression/I Need Help Thread

I'm reading this at a bar, several beers in so I'll do my best to respond tactfully...

Malakas, you aren't the only one bro, at one point or another, we've all been there. I've been seeing a counselor for about 5 years now and despite the crustiness/dooshiness I exhibit here, it was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. The best advice I can give you right now is to hang in there and seek professional help...there are people out there that can assist you during this time. I'll weigh in further when I have access to an actual keyboard (lucky you), but feel free to hit me up with a PM anytime you need.

PS - Great advice from the other fellas in here.
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Last edited by RageATL; 01-16-2015 at 09:50 AM.
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:48 AM   #5
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the help and advice. Bluewater34 and RageATL, I'm really sorry to hear about your situations as well and hope that everything works out for the best soon.
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:32 AM   #6
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The Official Depression/I Need Help Thread

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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the help and advice. Bluewater34 and RageATL, I'm really sorry to hear about your situations as well and hope that everything works out for the best soon.

Thanks man. Due to years of counseling, the love of a good woman and at age 41 finally being comfortable in my own skin, I'm in the best mental/emotional shape of my life. Now physically, that's another story, haha.

I only hope that you seek professional help and/or continue to post here about your situation as getting it off your chest is a good thing.
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:49 AM   #7
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I figured out when I was about 13 that if I took a couple double shots of my dad's whiskey when I woke up and put on a fake smile that I could fit in with everyone at my school and become one of the guys. All the confidence issues went away, I stopped caring that my ADD/dyslexia was causing my grades to tank, I stopped feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I could talk to girls, I got the confidence to get a great job at a little family pharmacy counting pills, etc. It was the first time in my life I felt good and like I belonged

I managed to keep it extremely secret successfully for quite awhile. It seemed like the perfect solution and I had no hesitation in keeping it going. Much to my despair it started to slowly stop working. I had to increase the amount I was drinking throughout the day exponentially. Finally one day I ran out of boose, and went into full blown DTs/withdrawal by the time I went to work. A pharmacist figured out what was up and took mercy on me with a couple Valiums. I found my new solution then, and proceeded to steal as many narcotics as I could get away with

Same shit, it was the perfect solution. After my first year of community college I got a 4.0 and accepted to a great school which I got a 3.8 my first year at and was on track to becoming a pharmacist. Much like boose though, before long I had to start shooting up the shit cause my tolerance was through the roof

My life completely feel apart- I overdosed, lost my job, dropped out of school, and lost my family. Still though, I thought that I could figure out the solution to all my problems. That had always worked in the past! I refused to ask for help from anyone or take any offered. My grand solution? Heroin after a couple months, I finally broke down and asked for help from my family. Went to treatment, and moved into a sober house for about 6 months.

It dawned on me that my problem was my own twisted fucked brain. It was my brain that got me into all that shit, so why in the hell did I think my brain would find the solution? I surrendered completely at that point to everyone trying to help me

Four years later now and I'm about to get my degree in pharmacy. I have all my friends and family back, people that trust me with their life, and high hopes. The greatest gift? I finally found everything I ever wanted- to be happy and comfortable in my own skin.

The whole point of this ramble is that if you are like me, you cannot solve your own problems by yourself. Self medicating wound me up in the ER, and far worse off than I was originally despite working like a magic serum for many years. The hardest concept for me to grasp was that surrendering fully was the answer to all my problems. It is only when I surrendered though that I found exactly what I had been always looking for
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Old 01-17-2015, 11:08 AM   #8
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And please feel free to PM me anytime man. I know a thing or two about how hard it is for someone from a Greek family to admit they have a problem and need help
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Old 01-17-2015, 12:11 PM   #9
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I know how the booze can sink its gnarly teeth into you. Glad youre out, man

Gotta ask though: you were doing a few double shots of your dads whiskey every day AND keeping that a secret? Where the hell was your dad?
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Old 01-17-2015, 12:49 PM   #10
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I know how the booze can sink its gnarly teeth into you. Glad youre out, man

Gotta ask though: you were doing a few double shots of your dads whiskey every day AND keeping that a secret? Where the hell was your dad?
Thanks buddy!

My dad was the son of an Italian immigrant coal minner. He noticed my drinking to a very small degree by the time I was about 15 or 16. He told me I was allowed to drink on the weekends since I was employeed so long as I never drove and my Greek ma didn't find out it was an accepted thing in alot of Mediterranean households. poor guy, when I finally made it to rehab after ODing on heroin my dad cried his eyes out because he blamed himself. Luckily he's started to understand that I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone the path I went. Something very few people can understand: but if I could go back in time I wouldn't change a damn thing because I'm so happy where I am now and that I can help myself each day by helping other alcoholics/junkies

Very early on, like at about 14 or so, I met a girl whose parents were straight up drunks and owned a resteruant. She used to give me 2-3 bottles of Seagrams 7 a week, which is when my drinking finally escalated to the level I wanted it to. Before that, fear of my father finding out just how much I drank had really kept my drinking in check

And ask any questions you may want fellas, I'm not at all ashamed anymore and am very comfortable with my past the irony of being a former junkie with a white coat on still makes me laugh sometimes when I'm behind that perscription counter
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Old 01-17-2015, 01:06 PM   #11
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Yeah I've been around the program for two years. Admittedly I still have a few drinks periodically, but I really love the program and the people in it have helped me immensely. I definitely feel better about just about everything, my relationships, my jobs, and driving. I'm actually serving my year on interlock right now, but I never in a million years thought I would be THANKFUL for that thing

I was on my way to horrible places (saw a few in-transit). So thankful I found my group and some perspective.
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Old 01-17-2015, 01:31 PM   #12
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Mjf, do you still drink?
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Old 01-17-2015, 02:12 PM   #13
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Mjf, do you still drink?
Short answer - no sir. It's just like that line from Get Him To The Greek - "you'll turn anything into heroin". While narcotics brought me to my knees, I now have a healthy fear of anything addictive, whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, whores, you name it.

Long answer in case anyone is on the fence or interested in this stuff-

I went to treatment for the very first time in 2009 after overdosing. It's when I lost my job at the pharmacy, and when all my loved ones finally realized that I had a serious problem with narcotics (all stuff from the pharmacy at the time, nothing from the street). I avoided prison because my boss thought of me as his son after working there for almost 6 years, and knew/loved me enough to know I never set out to rob the guy blind. I gave him a signed piece of paper listing all the narcotics I could remember stealing from him in case the DEA ever ran an audit on him, but he put it into a paper shredder in front me

So out of rehab, I immediately told myself that I had had a narcotic problem, but not a drinking problem. Us alcoholics have truly short memories About two days out of rehab, 3 of the pharmacist I worked for offered to take me to a bar to bury the hatchet. I drank, and saw nothing wrong with it. It took maybe 1-2 days before I was waiting at the liquor store for it to open with all the bums, shaking and praying the owner wouldn't be late. I ended up drinking myself to the point I had to withdrawal from school. After about a year of that, I had the grand revelation that my life was completely fucked just as it had been with drugs- but I wasn't enjoying the buzz nearly as much. My grand solution to stop drinking? Heroin

I went back to treatment on Jan 1, 2011. I lived up in Scranton PA until July, actually working a program. I was scared shitless for awhile of going to bars and stuff like that. By November of that year though, I realized that if I just kept working the program as I had been - I sure as fuck didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore and be so scared of meeting my friends at the bar, tailgate, etc. So around Thanksgiving, I went to a bar that had a mechanical bull riding contest that was a tradition in my group of friends. Brought someone from AA just to be safe, but had a blast and realized I was fine. So today, I tailgate at Eagles games, concerts, etc. I go to bars, parties, strip clubs, casinos... the whole nine yards. The only difference? I just don't drink. I also learned pretty quick that being around people who are blackout drunk like I used to be isn't very fun when you're sober so I typically leave a little early. But overall, I basically am at a point in my sobriety where I can do everything I used to do when I was fucked up except for actually drinking/narcotics.

With that said, all of it is contingent on how well I'm working on my sobriety. For example, I went to the bar awhile back after skipping meetings that entire week because I was busy. For the first time in a long time- I felt the obsession slowly creep in and I couldn't help but become abundantly aware of how much everyone was drinking, what, the smell, etc

Quote:
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Yeah I've been around the program for two years. Admittedly I still have a few drinks periodically, but I really love the program and the people in it have helped me immensely. I definitely feel better about just about everything, my relationships, my jobs, and driving. I'm actually serving my year on interlock right now, but I never in a million years thought I would be THANKFUL for that thing

I was on my way to horrible places (saw a few in-transit). So thankful I found my group and some perspective.
That's one of my favorite parts of the program buddy- it works differently for everyone and we can reach the same end goal by vastly different means. As I'm sure my story hinted, I'm a stone cold fuckin junkie who needs to do everything the program recommends so I went through the steps and try to incorporate them into my life to the best of my ability, I sponsor 3 guys, call my sponsor every single day, take commitments to speak at rehabs/meetings/prisons, and make about 4-7 meetings a week. I know plenty of guys whose entire program is only going to my homegroup meeting once a week... nothing else. The 3 guys like that in my homegroup have combined almost 75 years of sobriety. Whatever works for you man, good shit

Jayes, man I've been around the program awhile now... but for the absolute life of me, I don't even have the slightest fucking shred of an idea how this shit works it makes no logical sense to me why us doing this shit works. All I know is for whatever reason, today I didn't have a desire to take a drink or stick a needle in my arm. For this full blown drunk junkie, that is a miracle that I'll never even begin to understand how it works. Always very glad to hear it is working for someone else as well man, congrats I've buried so many friends and people from AA over the years that it just breaks my heart.... you and I are the lucky ones
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Old 01-17-2015, 02:20 PM   #14
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I'm glad you got your life back on track, my man. That's what it's all about. It's astounding how addiction can start at such a young age. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 01-17-2015, 02:22 PM   #15
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Thanks man, yeah it really is insane. From a great middle class family too and never wanted for anything my entire childhood

The only downside to sobriety? I'm now abundantly aware when I'm at a concert and Dave decides to take a huge steaming shit on us while writing his setlists
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Old 01-17-2015, 02:42 PM   #16
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The only downside to sobriety? I'm now abundantly aware when I'm at a concert and Dave decides to take a huge steaming shit on us while writing his setlists
The important things in life.
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Old 01-17-2015, 07:02 PM   #17
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Thanks man, yeah it really is insane. From a great middle class family too and never wanted for anything my entire childhood

The only downside to sobriety? I'm now abundantly aware when I'm at a concert and Dave decides to take a huge steaming shit on us while writing his setlists

I'm really happy to hear that you got your life back on track. I had a legit smile on my face when you said that you went through treatment and made the recovery. I'm so happy for you bro. I do admit that I teared up as well because I have been self-medicating lately to combat the pain. Alcohol, anti-anxiety pills, and occasional marijuana.

I guess I could say that there were a series of events that added up. The horrible violent (emotionally and physically) divorce of my parents which ruined my whole childhood, being made fun of at school so much that it caused me to move to a different town, some health related issues and surgery, a fucked up and insane five-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend (which still affects me somewhat five years later), multiple years of depression, severe germaphobia OCD which makes be insane and anxious, and a bad situation at my corporate job where they tried to frame me for something that I didn't do.

The result of all this has now made me unemployed and no ounce of confidence in myself at all. I sit home for days, due to fear of germs and my depression. I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world, but I know that I am hurting her and my relationship. I hide some of my self-medicating activities from her, which breaks my heart.
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Old 01-17-2015, 11:18 PM   #18
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Been there. However, the more I open up the more surprised at her reaction I am. Sometimes in a not so good way, but most of the time very positively

The blow 'n go keeps an honest man, too especially keeping so busy.
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Old 01-18-2015, 10:54 AM   #19
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I'm really happy to hear that you got your life back on track. I had a legit smile on my face when you said that you went through treatment and made the recovery. I'm so happy for you bro. I do admit that I teared up as well because I have been self-medicating lately to combat the pain. Alcohol, anti-anxiety pills, and occasional marijuana.

I guess I could say that there were a series of events that added up. The horrible violent (emotionally and physically) divorce of my parents which ruined my whole childhood, being made fun of at school so much that it caused me to move to a different town, some health related issues and surgery, a fucked up and insane five-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend (which still affects me somewhat five years later), multiple years of depression, severe germaphobia OCD which makes be insane and anxious, and a bad situation at my corporate job where they tried to frame me for something that I didn't do.

The result of all this has now made me unemployed and no ounce of confidence in myself at all. I sit home for days, due to fear of germs and my depression. I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world, but I know that I am hurting her and my relationship. I hide some of my self-medicating activities from her, which breaks my heart.
It pains me to hear that you (or anyone for that matter) is going through such torment.
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Old 01-18-2015, 10:58 AM   #20
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I'm really happy to hear that you got your life back on track. I had a legit smile on my face when you said that you went through treatment and made the recovery. I'm so happy for you bro. I do admit that I teared up as well because I have been self-medicating lately to combat the pain. Alcohol, anti-anxiety pills, and occasional marijuana.

I guess I could say that there were a series of events that added up. The horrible violent (emotionally and physically) divorce of my parents which ruined my whole childhood, being made fun of at school so much that it caused me to move to a different town, some health related issues and surgery, a fucked up and insane five-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend (which still affects me somewhat five years later), multiple years of depression, severe germaphobia OCD which makes be insane and anxious, and a bad situation at my corporate job where they tried to frame me for something that I didn't do.

The result of all this has now made me unemployed and no ounce of confidence in myself at all. I sit home for days, due to fear of germs and my depression. I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world, but I know that I am hurting her and my relationship. I hide some of my self-medicating activities from her, which breaks my heart.
I know absolutely none of that coulda been easy to write even to strangers, so good stuff man self-medicating is such a damn devil. Usually, we are extremely well at prescribing exactly what we need to alleviate the symptoms for a short while. I'll be the first to admit that self-medicating kept me alive for many years. Had I found a way to keep it working, I sure as hell wouldn't be sober right now. It always ended up just being a band-aid though and it wasn't long before it caused more problems than I initially had. Heroin was fantastic at clearing my head, removing any doubt in myself, etc.... but turns out nodding out in the middle of the day, drooling on myself, having blood stains everywhere because I was essentially a pin cushion, my heart stopping every now and then... yeah, that shit isn't socially acceptable

Just remember, there's absolutely nothing in the fuckin world you can tell a therapist that they haven't heard before. Also remember, no matter what you tell him/her, they're not gonna throw you out of the office, laugh at you, or anything remotely like that. Common sense says that right? It still was a huge fear of mine though when I was seeking help. Once I got the balls to just go for it, not a single one of those fears came through.

Ultimately I hope you do it for yourself, but there's nothing wrong with doing it for your girlfriend in the short term. You don't wanna hurt her anymore? Then I hope you truly give getting help a shot
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